Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
I don't want to eat him, he probably tastes terrible.
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
do not give him the "i just had sex cake" i repeat DO NOT give him the cake. things didn't go well
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
SUNS OUT COOCHY OUT
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
Everytime after he came, he'd laugh uncontrolably for ten mintutes. He was sober..
My dad just informed me that I may be entitled to $1700 worth of stimulus money... looks like that hitachi is coming sooner than later. Let's hope for the best!
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