I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
she was hot for a redneck and i dont look at teeth
batman just walked across the sidewalk
lay off the drugs
no for real he was wearing a cape
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
I'm supposed to be studying for finals but all I can think about is blowing him on a sea doo this summer
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
The struggle bus has heated seats and stops at Dunkin on Friday mornings so I'll be okay.
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
I teamed up with my vagina. I compromised his morals and then she corrupted him for good. It’s been a very successful and slutty partnership
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