i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
so all night Ive been that girl with her tits out @ the bar. I mean I dropped jaws, yo. But in a classy way.
I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
Does transporting jello shots count as driving with an open container?
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
The other guys kept waking up so I hid... Like, dick in mouth, hiding in his sleeping bag
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
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