omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
It was romantic. He brought over a bottle of Jack to celebrate us becoming official on Facebook. Definitely a story for the grandkids.
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
one of the service guys here said i licked ranch off your face lastnight
I went to the haunted house just to see her - Hello new fetish!
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
Thanks be to the Goddess of Whores!! I straightened my bed before Ken got here. Found Calvin's boxers in the sheets!!!!
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
Her boobs felt like beanie babies from heaven
Did you really just call a picture of your erect penis art?
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
And ANOTHER guy that I once got naked is doing gay porn now. Wtf? Am I the audition?!
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
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