After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
just got my tax refund and at bell. how do you say i want a grand worth of 5 layer burritos in spanish?
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
It's almost like a boob-text, but it's not. Because it was live. And you were showing a bunch of people.
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
Tomorrow may or may not be a problem cause i'll be wonder woman for a halloween party aka i'll be fucked up & try & jump off of shit thinking i can fly
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
Riding your boyfriend's dick for an hour then waitressing for 8 hours. Would not recommend.
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
Randomize
