and all i could think was, am i really about to have sex with someone who still thinks that pee comes out of the actual vagina?
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
i just successfully used the word "hymen" in a paper...welcome to senior seminar in lit.
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
First booty call in Europe.. In Barcelona. With a German. In broad daylight.... Is that how they do it here?
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
I made him dinner in just his cowboy hat and my boots after we did it...you should see his face :)
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