I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
so if i die before i go back to school its because the thing we found in the hallway that i've been smoking out of is a crack pipe
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
I don't like him near enough to give up day drinking AND my prostitute costume
More cowboy butts than you can shake a stick at, oh joy.
I'm sorry, but the "Hobbit Slam" has to be a sex move.
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
Ever wonder what all the drugs you've ever done would look like put together?
Heaven. . It would look like heaven
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
I decided we werent gonna go for round 5 when he started trying to have a serious conversation about how blessed he is to have such a nice penis
He has a point, the man's penis is a legend.
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
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