I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
i just found out that washing ur bong in the dishwasher works. its been a productive day
It was her first time with a girl so I put on my tegan and Sara playlist to really get the full experience.
He kept screaming "it's so seductive" while he was humping the wall
She came over and gave me a handy and then just lingered for a day and a half. Worst weekend ever.
I'm not sure if you saw my recent facebook update, but I have already put the Radio Flyer wagon to good use. I had someone pull me to the nearest bar.
WHY ARE YOU POKING HOLES IN MY 3AM LOGIC?!
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
EVERYONE IS SPEAKING SPANISH. I ONLY KNOW HOLA.
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
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