Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
I need to take "lollipop" off of every single one of my playlists cause it makes me wanna suck dick.
so we were pounding it out and someone knocked on the wall and was shouting at us
that didnt stop you
nope
You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
he just kept repeating that I have nice areolas
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
He came up and told us to watch as he chugged his beer with no hands. Then asked if he could come drunk swimming with us.
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
Randomize
