I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
i just smoke outta the biggest bowl i've ever seen. the kid was totally compensating for a tiny weeenie.
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
Her vagina smelled like chicken
why do you say that
chicken smells like everything
So, during a 20 minute shower I spent 19 minutes spinning in circles and 1 minute licking the wall, and it was better than sex. I can't wait to do X again.
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
they're like a gay fantastic four
we were bear claw grabbing his crotch in the middle of the bar yelling prominent ridge over and over.
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
she just kept straddling the railing to the stairs and shouting "come on Seabiscuit, lets win this for America."
i think i passed out for a few seconds while we were having sex but he didnt notice...
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Randomize
