if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
he said "you're pretty" then i made out with him. thats all it took
I just watched a blind kid buy from one of the vending machines on campus...guess there's nothing like a good surprise?
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
We convinced you to take a shot out of the sponge...there were still suds in it.
It's just my hair. It brings natural happiness. Like goldfish, big boobs, and milkshakes.
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
2 reasons we need to wear those onesies to the bar more ofter 1) comfy as shit 2) we both still got laid\n\nHow can you resist that kinda night?
I woke up with my vibrator in my bed so I'm assuming I had a decent night.
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
DO YOU REALIZE HOW AWESOME MY GRANDMA WOULD BE IF SHE GOT HIGH
does having sex with an episode of House playing in the background count as studying for my MCAT?
Maybe you should slow down tonight...
KINGS DON'T NEED ADVICE FROM LITTLE HORN-BILLS FOR A START
Randomize
