what time did you get home last night?
SO late...when your in the lap of a 35 year old superstar you loose track of time
He said to me " i could be your father but i dont care"...it was so hott
i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
the chair was smiling at me in sociology and i had to try not to burst out laughing.
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
I'm one ex away from doing an entire victory lap of all of the guys I've hooked up with since second semester of freshman year. Single me is scary.
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
I caught a glimpse of his penis. I can only imagine what your mom's vagina goes through because of that penis
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
Was it cause you feel bad for the ridiculousness my vagina goes through because same
This is my second month of college and all I've learned is how to get a guy to go down on me without asking out loud and not to chase everclear with Smirnoff ice.
Essential life skills
My ex gave me head because she said she didn't enough when we were dating... Best ex ever? I think yes.
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
Randomize
