Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
you were holding her hair as she threw up saying "I'm going to be a great doctor" repeatedly.
It wasn't a wasted relationship. I got road-head in an Escalade. I still keep that with me.
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
please stop yelling "ITS NARNIAAAAAAAAA" out of our window at the lone person walking home in the snow
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about
I mean, two foreign guys have drunkenly confessed their love for her, so she's clearly doing something right.
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
And I got shut down by a ginger. It was a weird night
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