I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
never let anyone you met on skype borrow your car. lesson learned.
The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
so he came over for the first time and i completely forgot i had pictures of him printed out from facebook on my wall and a newspaper article with him in it.. you can guess that it lead for an awkward situation.
I don't know if this beer pong partnership can last if you refuse to look me in the eye when we make sweet sweet clutch cup at the same time.
well you decided to make everyone "drinks" which was sprite and beer mixed.
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
wearing my roomate's scarf as a dress...halloween 2011 ladies and gentlemen
It was more like a tour de entire bottle of wine in 14 minutes
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
Randomize
