Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
like in an apt above a crackhead. A LEGIT CRACKHEAD. he woke me up every morning this week asking me if I wanted to buy a mini fridge and some CDs. at 5 am. EVERY DAY.
You seriously need to keep doing my sexting for me. I just said something about "riding cock like a dick rodeo"
about 90% sure I fell off a roof. It hurts BAD. Don't suppose you're still in town?
yup haha I infact DID fall off a roof. Want some bomb ass omlettes?
Just thought to myself "I should practice shotgunning a beer before Wednesday." I don't think my GPA is going to like this semester.
I'm spoon feeding myself tequila for breakfast, should we skip class today?
On duty sugar tits. A Marine never abandons his post to take nudi pics.
Thats why you dont have a "jubilant gunfire celebration"
got a blowjob in the bar bathroom, got arrested for public intoxication, and found a big bag of weed on the ground on my walk home from the station. my friday night could have been a movie
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
might I remind you I fucked a 21 year old and almost did coke with strangers? you definitely came out on top
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