Woke up this morning at my parent's house. No idea how I got here... what happened last night? Was it bad?
We using my standards or yours?
SEEEEXXX PLEASE
I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
I mean, it's free alcohol, to turn it down would be a crime against humanity.
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
I'm laying in my house looking at chocolate pudding drip from the ceiling onto my partially erect penis... Yay for shrooms!
she got the mcdonald's logo tattooed on her ass. sober. yesterday at noon.
I don't know his last name, but he's in phone as Pat the conqueror.
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
I'm having post-experience "why didn't I fuck her in a public bathroom" regrets
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
Randomize
