why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
Yeah, she'd be cute...but she has faith. It's a problem down south.
he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
Just walked by a guy on campus YELLING 'Im still hammered'
Being a slut is okay if you're being a polite slut, right?
I know it should be off bounds, but can this be the chick we all sleep with at some point? I can write it off as drunken mistake, you all just have to come up with equally good excuses
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
4 girls bringing me taco bell. this is what dreams are made of.
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
Is it considered a bad morning to find your boss half naked in the parking lot of work at 7am?
That depends, how hot is your boss?
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
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