Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
Hes far too high and trying to explain daylight savings time to me. Help?
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
what is it with giant penises always finding me
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
I just realized I haven't had a date or a potential possibility of a date in about a year. Then I realized I wanted to actually go on a date. But I'm sitting here getting high instead of being at a party. Life.
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
I apparently asked the bartender for a plastic bag and told her I was gunna puke then grabbed two handles from the bar then put the handles in the plastic bag and left.....
I'm excited for him and his new girlfriend. I'm just going to miss his penis is what I'm saying.
I cannot belive our party caught on fire
I can't believe the MLB is making the NHL look good.
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