Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
I wish life had little blips of pornography
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
He fucked volume into my hair. It was amazing.
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
I had to throw a towel over the bottles cuz it hurts to look at them
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
he got mad becuase i made more noise when he gave me a back massage then i do when we actually have sex
She was horrified when I asked if they had any strap on chin dildos, I was at a sex shop for gods sake must I be judged everywhere
I think a girl on my floor is watching zombie porn. There is literally no other description for the noise coming from her room.
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
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