I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
that coffee was exactly what I needed. Also whose awesome hat is on the couch with ear flaps? I wanna put my head in it
I just paid $5 for a shot of el toro and the bartender wasn't even hot. Rock bottom.
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
Cute underage boy is in my house.
OH MY GOD. DON'T DO ANYTHING. WHY IS HE IN YOUR HOUSE.
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
He is so sweet! He thanks me for sending him dirty pix. I should keep him.
You are the jesus of drinking
Even blacked out me knows not to sleep with socks on
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
not sure if actually covered in glitter or just drunk
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
i want to say his dick was in it but not his heart
Randomize
