I'm in love with you.
huh?
Don't be nervous. I'm just saying - if you had a dick, I'd suck it.
the boys lacrosse roster just went up... now we can see who we had sex with
you dipped you banana in queso last night.
You ad-libbed two DETAILED rounds of price is right, 1 wheel of fortune, and 1 deal or no deal.... by yourself with sound effects and music included
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
I was pissed last night bc this girl didn't want to have sex but offered to reimburse me for the condoms. That just made me upset
I don't know if it was his cologne or his Jesus hair, but he was much more fuckable than last time I saw him.
Now that I think about it, it may have been the 6 pitchers of beer.
You were so excited to be getting 4 tickets to the Whale Rodeo.... That high
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
I think we need to stage a munchie intervention for Ben. I just watched him use a tortilla as a potholder to dump water out of his ramen.
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
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