o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
You can see my drunken state get worse with each picture
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
I lost my bar virginty and made out with a dwarf. It was a good night
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
ABOUT TO MAKE THE BIGGEST MISTAKE OF MY LIFE, SEND HELP
Have fun and good luck.
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
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