I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
Professor took us out for drinks. She said if I ordered the 64oz "Call a Cab," she'd give me an A. I drank it in 5 minutes. A+?
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
I have now hooked up with 8 of the Apostles. I have no idea where I'm going to find a guy named Bartholomew.
he said i looked like a lion with slutty lingerie on .
The fact that its 530pm and I'm saying to myself I should sober up since I'm at a family establishment should say enough
at the hospital. the stripper fell on his face when she was trying to grab the dollar bill out of his mouth with her ass. broken nose for sure.
he ate me out like he was chugging a beer.
Hefty paycheck and not get wasted can't exist in the same night
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
was it wrong to tell him he's welcome in my pants any time?
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
Randomize
