I gotta feeling the economic climate has killed the housewife market
She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
Those 2 guys from the sonic commercial will be virgins for life.
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
They made my facebook status "I got my period!!!." Every guy I've had sex with at college liked it.
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
So not the biggest tits he had his cock between. He could have lied.
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
I'm not snubbing your weed I just had a really important rack of ribs to get home to
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
Randomize
