how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
I mean, it really isn't YOUR car until you have sex in it.
it's to the point where working 2 jobs this summer will absolutely not cover how much i will spend on alcohol next semester.
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
I've never had a better reason to do blow of a Pittsburgh strippers ass than to try and keep pace with my dad.
for future reference: even when 4 loko is flat it still fucks you up. im near a tree. come find me.
I knew we would be good together when you made me lick jameson off your boob while you screamed along with racks on racks
It's like I opened a door and behind it lay mythical creatures sprinklin fairy dust upon the land leading me to a pot of gold. And that gold is some delicious cock.
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
There's a point in life when you've got to take dick like a big girl.
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
