Anddd after the worst sex of my life, he said.."do you mind taking off the condom, tying it up, and throwing it at the door?" Weird.
I feel uncomfortable when she gargles my jizz.
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
Hey its bob the builder. Where did you go?
some guy just pulled a dress out of a fax machine...I have no idea what the hell is going on
I knew we were gonna fuck after she told me she's seen that Porno before
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
they drunkenly created an obstacle course for the poor hamster and its ball.
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
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