So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
i just carried on a conversation with my mother from another room mid-ejaculation. you would have done the same
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
I'll reiterate. Best drinking game ever. I shall teach it to my children's children
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
I was too drunk to remember throwing up so i probably didn't learn my lesson
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
I’m honestly just flattered that you think I could make PornHub’s Top 10.
Randomize
