I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
we've been at disney 20 seconds and she already got the cops called over
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
Let's fuck under the stars. And by under the stars I mean in my bed underneath my glow in the dark star stickers.
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
But I mean how many guys can say they get blow jobs and grilled cheese with football
Her tits are absolutely massive. Like ripleys believe it or not shit
Man, you got so high you own goaled yourself in FIFA then got up celebrating.
only I would find a long lost relative through a craigslist casual encounters ad
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
Btw I'm playing passed out so you can get laid but obviously you need to take the offense just ask him if he wants to go to bed and leave a cigg on the counter
I'm basically doing the Walk of Shame without the added bonus of having sex last night. That doesn't look good on anyone.
Randomize
