'hiiiigh' is saved in my t9 for a reason
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
i went to the 24h massage place last night and brought down the price for a hand job from $50 to $12.75 and half the big mac left in my bag.
LET US USE OUR GENITALS TO CELEBRATE THIS VICTORY
I shaved my pussy for you. If you complain about a single hair that I missed again, you will be greeted by a bush the next time you go down on me and i will MAKE YOU KEEP GOING
At least your road beer policy is responsible. Well, relatively speaking.
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
I should be in a better mood, I just went home and had a quickie on my lunch break.
I had a sandwich.
Randomize
