im marching my happy ass in there and im not leaving until he cheats on his girlfriend!
great, thanks for announcing that I gave you head over twitter
at least I said it was good
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
BTW car sex works all the muscle groups. Just sayin. Legs/butt are sore as are arms, back and core.
I'm definitely not going to be able to fuck him high. I won't be able to not laugh at his man boobs
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