from now on my penis is your penis
I wasn't pimping you out... I was helping you network!
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
I love you. I'm too high for this. Find a way. Make it happen. Live strong.
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
dude to be honest with you there is a used condom that ive just left on my floor for three days
you have got to get your shit together
Dramatic love triangle! I guess mystery Asian and I will just have to fight it out for your love.
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
I think pretend fucking a camel is a good thing to do downtown. They loved me.
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
Is it a problem if I'm trying to condition Goodbye Horses to trigger an erection?
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
Just got done being naked and Mooning the cops. I'm still alive. Let's drink.
I woke up with a pillow, shampoo and a plant in my fridge. Eggs in the toilet, and I was wearing three pairs of girls underwear. What happened last night
Randomize
