So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
no, i dont want the owner to like me bc i dedazzled my vagina
There's a level of bonding between people at the liquor store at 10:30 in the morning that's unrivaled
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
I just looked at the guy in the car next to me and he was wearing a divers mask. We just nodded cause we both understood.
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
This storm betta not fuck with taco tuesday
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
He started out in my roommates bed and by the end of the night was in mine, not sure how that went down. But he left happy in the morning.
Oral sex and brunch. The perfect sunday morning.
Randomize
