Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
Why did you take off so early
No more beer. And also. Threesome. Maybe. Ill let you know.
I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
They are making fun of natty and blackberries.
Tell them they are ugly.
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
Whales. Broccoli little trees giant. Magic in cat form. I want my loco and juice. Black in shower. Brb remember life.
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
One of the art pieces was basically this chick throwing raw meat at the audience, anyone who got hit (which I did) got a free shot of whiskey. It was worth it.
I be dancing. See you soon. You can drink tequila from my pants.
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
I may or may not have just let Ash Ketchum capture my wild Pikachu in a parking lot.
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
So here I am, sexting at work.
Randomize
