when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
It's not every day you get to see a girl fuck herself with a pickle.
He fucked volume into my hair. It was amazing.
I don't think going to Relay for Life and painting our faces while everyone stares at us is a sufficent late night after the bars.
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
You don't put off sexcapades. Life lesson #1.
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
wait he has a twin??? which one did you fuck
yes
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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