you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
It is 8 o'clock in the morning and there is already blood all over one of the stalls in the bathroom. What has your St. Patrick's day done for you?
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
If you ever find a dick that big chop it off and bring it to me.
He told me "it wants a kiss" WHY HAS THIS HAPPENED WITH 2 DIFFERENT PEOPLE.
He gave me a beer, petted my head, and called me kiddo.
Also, I found your gauge.
I found it under my pillow like a gift from the Sex Fairy.
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
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