it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
Land Before Time marathon. we drink every time littlefoot almost eats a treestar.
btw, do you remember scaling that porch last night?
I rode on his Vespa around Florence and fucked him in an empty train. It was like a way sluttier version of Lizzy McGuire
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
Dunno yet. Probably just gonna play the s.t.d. russian roulette game with random bartenders at the beach again. Same 'ol same 'ol
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
My mom just added me on Facebook... She has one like and it's Will Smith
He just kept mumbling that he was too drunk for society and then he peed in a bush
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
Randomize
