If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
he asked if he could put his cape on while he was still inside me.
all she had left on were here heels. phone five
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
He made me put my cow print vest and my cowboy hat from my ' sheriff woody' costume and said I'll show you a woody. What I charmer huh!? I love make up sex
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
Good, I don't think Coke dipped ring pops hold up in the mail anyway.
I'm rolling and just noticed that the thread count on these sheets is horrendous.
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
Randomize
