she wanted to watch hairspray while we fucked. she's obviously your kinda girl, dude.
Pillow talk just revealed that he originally thought I was 16.
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
You tried to fight everyone, so we kept having her take her shirt off. You were sufficiently distracted...
Spider-Man is making out with Wonder Woman while Captain Kirk feels up Princess Lea. Nice to see nerd barriers broken down at Comic Con.
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
He finally delivered on the dick pic, and Jesus Christ, it was worth the wait.
You were yelling at the mannequin and saying "DON'T LOOK AT ME"
Doing blow in the bathroom isnt the same without you
Do a rail off the baby station in my honor
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
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