even my farts smell like vagina
I love that we get drink and call each other crying. It's kind of our thing.
all adderall does is make me the grand champion of using wikipedia.
She's like a pop up book from hell.
just remembered that i started a tab for just myself at 50 cent beer night last night... i dont understand my life
Remember when I booked a hotel room for next sat? Nneither do I.
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
I just had really awesome sex bent over the side of an air hockey table. That is all. Happy thanksgiving.
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
He ate the contents of an ashtray and didn't puke, I think he can handle drinking a fifth to himself.
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
She has the best kind of daddy issues
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
Randomize
