you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
Yeah getting kicked out of the bar at 1 pm really set the tone for the day.
I like to think of you as more a magic eight ball of my life's journey?
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
Spending the night with him made me realize that stupid people both irritate and fascinate me, so I'd say it equaled itself out.
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
Just got a handjob in my psych lecture. You were right, going to class is paying off.
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
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