Dude, we have the same penis size. Best friends for life.
One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
When i say that im working late and also have a paper to write before 9am tomorrow all i want u to respond is saying that ur gunna come over and sexually distract me from my responsibilities. Not a fucking frowny face.
Sorry. Im on my way.
I believe I can fly has to be one of the most inspirational songs of our time. Seriously R. Kelly nailed it
Then he went and peed on those teenagers.
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
He kept saying "Welcome to Indianapolis" over and over while we were having sex...because that's his hometown. I was scared and confused... I didn't know if I should have said thank you or what.
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
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