Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
I don't know if it's lucky or if it really just makes my tits look THAT good, but I've never NOT gotten laid with this bra on
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
It made me think of you cause he just screamed "CAPTAIN PLANET" a lot and kicked people in the balls.
I dont care if he cant spell. Illiterate people need blowjobs too
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
He wrote on the paper that he wanted a "Ptitty burreto" from taco bell...when we ordered it the girl paused and entered "Potatoe burrieto"....we laughed
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
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