Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
It will be a surprise...all i can say is stripper clown
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
It would be like a dance party with a dick inside you. I think that's what Ke$ha wants for the world.
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
We got buck wild in our animal onesies last night. You kept ripping off your tail in angry rages.
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
Randomize
