can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
woke up and she was making me crepes. definitely not the last time i fuck a culinary student
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
Another night, another sound of my neighbor almost having an orgasm.
And she used to have such long ones. Sad.
I definitely recall eating shredded cheese out of the bag while you were wearing that apron.
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
Well, it's a fine line between people-watching and boob-staring. It's a gray area. But we're in Paris. Let's leave it at that.
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
If drinking had a "new high score" I think I hit it this weekend.
Ur here to start shit and I'm here to light that shit on fire
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
Randomize
