He sent me a video of himself jacking off. I am not kidding.
WTF??? Isn't he married??
Yeah but his wife is at a birthday party and I guess he's bored. LOL
Just saw two girls doing a walk of shame together. Slut bonding at it's best.
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
im trying to find a facebook picture of him that doesnt make me regret sleeping with him. its not working
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
One. But meh. I upped my age limit to like 29 hoping I'll match with this one fedex guy that delivers packages to my work
My lease is up and I've been thinking, it's only fair that the guys I've fucked in this apartment in the past year help me move. They enjoyed the bed, now help me move it.
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
Randomize
