The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
No, my body just knows its the weekend and wants to rage. Very different from alcoholism
If by "in control" you mean him showing-up to work wasted, calling a customer a "fuckstick," and getting fired on the spot? Then yes, he is.
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
I got my period today and I cried tears of joy. And then just cried because my cramps are actually killing me from the inside out.
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize