Let's make love on the newspapers that declare financial doomsday
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
You've got more to offer than just money. Come on. You have an awesome rack.
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
what do i owe you?
$237.46 to be exact.
if im having that much fun on the weekend i better start remembering it.
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
This is like the best thing that's ever happened to us. We're getting paid to sit around get high and eat. There is a Jesus
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
I don't think meeting his drug dealers counts as a relationship landmark.
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
Randomize
