she thought the capital of kansas was topanga.
he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
I missed rounds this morning...my senior resident hooked me up to and IV and made me stay in the clinic because he said I didn't look presentable enough to walk around the hospital
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
there was so much lube in my brother's closet...
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
I am not even ashamed to say it, I got laid in the stairwell of the hotel, by a 29 year old. It was awesome!
Stacy lit a fart and burn half of the couch down before we can put the Flames out. Bring your truck.
Randomize
