I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
you googled "nude photos of celebrities you wouldn't expect to have nude photos", puked into the beer bong, and then laughed
Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
Got a stripper to howl at my wolf shirt.
Why is it so hot and why are these the only pants in my life.
Aka reading hardcore gay robot porn as a steady trickle of elementary schoolers walk by me every so often and im still in uniform as there councilor
Who is also still dressed up as a pirate
especially when i'm drunk. his dick might as well be made of cotton candy.
I wanna hang out. The cats don't talk back.
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
Why are you drunk at the library?
Why not?
It's a shame things ended how they did. We were well on our way to transforming from acquaintances with benefits to friends with benefits.
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
