hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
Blew in her face. She is Pissed. Yahtzee. As she brushes her teeth.
i dont care that its taken 20 hrs to pee without hurting, BEST HATE SEX EVER.
I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.
You live a charmed life.
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
And then he serenaded me with "Pimps don't cry" from 'The Other Guys'. If that's not love I'm not sure what is
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
This is the perfect outfit to do ketamine in, I must say
I drank all the wines... and all th Doritos. Whilst watching Fat Camp. I need to reassess my values.
Well I've decided to refuse to conform to society and be naked the rest of the day.
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
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