she has a tiny mouth but huuuge vocal chords
Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
I fuked that chick last night and she kept saying, "oh...oh....oh", like Bill Lumberg
so what did you do?
I did the mash I did the monster mash It was a graveyard smash!
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
so as we were driving to pick up my grandma from old navy she procedes to yell into our open window.. "I'll make ya holla fo a dolla" umm...
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
i've officially fucked a sailor, a policeman and a biker. I've never noticed my Village People fetish until now...
you think that next time i come over to do this you can pick up the condom wrappers you used on the other girls
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
well at least now you can say you got an STD from the frontman of a band no one's heard of
fuck you.
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
I really hope this is just a phase, because I am not capable of carrying both of our drunken whore asses through life. Too much dead weight....
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
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