I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
I vomitted in the hotel where they film gossip girl last night. Everywhere.
I can't right now...you know Sunday night is whn I get drunk and do laundry.
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
It's like hey here is one penis enjoy nothing but that for the rest of your life
He put his hand in my cleavage. NOT ON. IN. BETWEEN. NO more gingers
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
