Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
We had to coat check the pizza.
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
those were not strange pants with a really large waist band...it took me 3 days to realize I was wearing someone's sweater as pants
Remember that time you gave me a fat lip with your vag? We should do that again!
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
best eviction party ever.
it wasn't an eviction party you asshole, you just happened to get yourself evicted during the party.
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
HE LIVES IN ANOTHER STATE
actually scratch that last text, he's the perfect boyfriend. He stays faithful and doesnt find out about all the guys here. it's a win-win
I think I'm emotionally ready to start being a slut again. I'm excited.
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
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