I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
nothing says platonic group sex like a campfire and smores
Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.
I JUST SAW A SIGN LANGUAGE CATFIGHT
He tried to spell out "PROM?" in his cum on my stomach during sex. It was terrible
well did you say yes?
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
Its like her house is inhabited by 50 year old lesbian water color artists with a throw pillow fetish
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
Did you cry?
I don't think so. I definitely lost my cool though
Yeah i think jesus would lose his cool in that situation
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
so as he was cumming he sort of growled with one eye squinted... for a moment there I thought I was fucking Popeye
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
I thought you died. Don't forget it's burger night.
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
Randomize
