My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
I'm so over stopping myself from talking about my sexual experiences in front of children.
john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
Picking up third year law school girls is like MILF hunting for beginners
just had an encounter with drunk people from out of state at dairy queen. they wanted to stay till march to see the high school play.
you told grandpa to call you daddy
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
Randomize
